Insights from a Passionate Christ Follower

Romans 5:8  God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. (NLT)

Early in my Christian walk, while still in the “Honeymoon” phase with God, I was seeking Him like Moses – “Show me your glory, I want to see you”, like David – “Reveal your heart to me, my soul pants for you as a deer pants for water”. In this season of chasing God I was attending a life-group at a friend’s home, it was the summer of 1990. If you have never been part of a weekly small group in someone’s home, in the summer time, you must to add it to your bucket list.

One week, late in June I showed up as normal, eager to discuss whatever our Bible study was going to be, but before we could get started I began to cry. For no reason, water was running out of my eyes, and I began to feel heavy emotionally. I tried to hide it from the others, but it is a small group and they were asking what is wrong. Nothing! Yet, I could not stop the crying that was now turning into sobbing. They prayed over me and eventually began the small group study not knowing what to do for me, but I could not stop sobbing and crying and heaving the entire time. It continued until the group ended. I raced out of their, so embarrassed that I was acting like a basket-case in front of everyone. And all of a sudden it stopped.

If your a guy you understand what I mean when I say I hate emotions. They make me feel uncomfortable… we guys don’t like emotional chic flicks that cause you to tear up… and I avoid emotional people like they have a flu bug. So for me to let go of my emotions publicly (other than anger)… not going to happen! But it did!  And I could not stop it… could not control it, could not turn it off. It felt like the longest small group of my life!!! I wondered if I was having a nervous breakdown. That night I went to sleep asking God what was wrong going on.

The next day I woke up to a perfectly normal day and after a few days completely forgot about it. I didn’t remember it until I went to small group the following week. Brother, how was I going to look everyone in the eye after what happened last week. I went in, sat down and before I could say hello… I began crying. What the heck! This can’t be happening! Everyone was certain that I was in real need of help… something must be very wrong for me to be so emotionally broken. They insisted that I get honest and open up with them. They sincerely played the “we care about you card” hoping I would let them into my pain. But I had no pain! I was having a great year! I was smiling at them trying to say everything is really good, I don’t know what this is… while tears are gushing and I am now sobbing again. I moved to the back corner hoping to hide while they started the group. Maybe they were somehow “punking” me and this would end with us all laughing at me. But it did not stop till the group closed in prayer. Again I raced out, totally humiliated.

I begged God to show me what was wrong with me… why was this happening? As the week went on I eventually put it behind me. The next week I was obviously reluctant to go to small group… but up until the last two I had so loved attending that I decided it could not possibly happen again. I walked up to the door, checking myself… everything seems good to go. I walk in the doorway, nothing, everything seems normal. I say a weak hello, sit down and here come the tears. Fighting with everything in me I jump up and race to the bathroom as the sobs and heaves hit. A couple of friends coax me back to the group, but they all start right away without spending any time trying to help me. What? O My God! This is not me! Hello! Don’t accept this as normal for me! I couldn’t stop it and I couldn’t let this become my normal. I jumped up and left the group without saying a word and drove to the lake. This time the heavy emotional crying did not stop when I left.  Aha, so it’s not that house making me feel this way. At the lake, all alone, I was desperately seeking God to help whatever was wrong with me – and then He spoke.

I was certain that something really bad was wrong with me, and finally – He was here to fix it! Whatever this is God, take it out!!  Make it stop!!! I am undone from the inside out!  I heard Him say “it is not you”. Instantly my memory brought me back to the season I had been in for the past year of me seeking God. I saw myself asking that He show Himself to me, to share His heart with me, to let me catch Him. Then He said, “I let you have just a part of my heart that is broken over the loss of human lives”.  And with His words I immediately remembered what happened the week before all of this began.

Some terrorist from Iran launched an attack by sea against Israel. They were planning to hit the beaches with gun ships and kill as many Jews as possible. But Israeli Intelligence foiled their attack, drove them back and took command of their gun ships. The failed terrorist that lived fled back to Iran. I remember the Christian radio programs sharing the news with pride that God protected His own. Then, just a few days later a huge earthquake hit near the capital city of Iran killing 40,000 Iranians. I remembered the Christian radio linking the two events and proclaiming with great joy how God deals with those who try to hurt Israel. And I remembered myself going along with them, celebrating the judgment of God and the death of His enemy… “That will teach them not to mess with God’s chosen people!!!”

And in that moment of remembering where I was three weeks earlier and what I was celebrating – it hit me again. Heavy emotions with tears and sobbing, and God said these words that I will never forget – “It was Not my judgement that killed those people, my heart breaks for their loss of life!”

WHAT?!!!!  What are you talking about? The Old Testament is filled with passages, stories and statements about you judging people and killing them or condemning them to death! Hello, you even built an eternal Hell for all of them!… right?!  Right?!  Hello?

And His speaking to me for that day was over. I was left with this life changing experience and these rhema words spoken from His heart to mine… and my theology and a number of my doctrines totally messed up!

It would take me years to discover that He is a really good God and nothing like what I was taught by some Christan leaders and other misinformed believers. He sent His son Jesus to reveal the true heart of The Father, that He loves us and is willing to die for us all, the Jews and the Gentiles, the good guys and the bad guys, the sinners and the saints. He wants all people to share eternal life with Him and that He did not build Hell for humans!